alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
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imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Ken is short for chicken
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.