Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.