Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

This meal prepping shit easy

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.