Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
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Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I like crazy people until they notice me
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in