Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
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I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Lmao 🤣
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.