Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”