Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
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Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
💻🤡
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Me too, bag. Me too….
