Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
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I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Note to self: always read the final line
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.