Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
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My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I need to sieze this.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do