Told my fianc茅e that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 馃ゲ
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he鈥檚 pretty bad.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
If it wasn鈥檛 for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn鈥檛 be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you鈥檙e being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you鈥檙e sick and don鈥檛 tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn鈥檛
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Haha there鈥檚 a squirrel on the fence and he鈥檚 walking back and forth like he can鈥檛 make up his mind because he鈥檚 on the fence.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.