Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Yup….perfect score!
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits