Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
…..pretty much.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?