Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
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I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”