Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.