Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together