told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.