told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
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Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Gemma Correll
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location