Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
You Might Also Like
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.