Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I’m too immature for adultery.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
guys I’m going home
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
The human personality is made of five key elements
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
twitter is a journey
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
