Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
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I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.