told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
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Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
This is my emotional support knife.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
🤣🤣
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.