Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
RT if you know someone like this!!!
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.