Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
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The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume