Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

My daily affirmation