Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

sry

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

White Castle for the Win

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.