told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
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If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
decorating my apartment
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto