Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Simple enough.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Storm Tropical Storm
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.