Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.