Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
We found love in a hopeless place.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him