Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
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BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Yes, this is exactly right
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Chicago sounds lovely.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.