Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
You Might Also Like
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!