Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
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Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me trying to reach for my goals
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
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