Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.