Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED