Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
You Might Also Like
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
New menu item
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money