Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
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Waffles make excellent pill organizers
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.