Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?