Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.