Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch