told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
