told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.