told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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how long have you had this for?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.