Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Try and stop me.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.