Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules