Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.