Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
You Might Also Like
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
what it’s like dating me:
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket