Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.