Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
fr
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.