Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Cinema or bowling

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Noted.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.