told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
