told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
