told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
