Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

my mom making me talk to relatives

Y’all ready for this

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*