Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.