Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
my name if I was in the mob
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
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