Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough