Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
79.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
🔥🔥
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you