Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.