Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.