Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

lmfao come on

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.