Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
You Might Also Like
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
When you let grandma cat sit
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
That de-escalated quickly
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
True.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.