Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god