Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
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WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
How is it still this week?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*