Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it