Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems