Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.