Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Finally, an instrument I can play!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
😭😭
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.