“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.