Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners