Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
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I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I’m not wrong
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.