Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
me, after any kind of buffet.