Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW