Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

🤣

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]