Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.