Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

ㅤ

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.