Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs