Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Google Pay be like:
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Fiction has to make sense.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely