Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
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About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later