Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

#Caturday